im in boston, my friends are all at work, i slept until 2, have a blind date set up for today and it also just so happens to be my first date, and since i slept till 2 without my hair bonnet my face and weave are a MESS, and i have no appetite because i still feel sick from eating 5 doughnuts yesterday. inhaled 5 doughnuts and going on my first date. im a 13 year old.
This woman who looked like Voldemort came into my store on Monday.
She wanted to buy a dress for her granddaughter, but we didn’t have the size she needed, so I went into the system and ordered it from a store in Stamford, CT and had it sent to the kid’s address in California. She left happy as shit but sometime over the course of that evening one of her idiot friends convinced her that I was supposed to call Connecticut first to make sure they had the dress in stock EVEN THOUGH THE SYSTEM TOLD ME THEY DID AND LET ME ORDER IT FOR HER. So yesterday evening she comes back into my store and flips out about the fact that her granddaughter is going to be disappointed about the dress she was promised; mind you, we live in NJ, her granddaughter is not even 3 yet, lives across the country, and probably has no fucking clue who this dark wizard lookin ass bitch is. I explained that the dress was already sent out but for some reason she’s convinced that I’m wrong , so I gave her a list of the other stores that had the dress and she went through the list and called on her cell to have a backup dress sent because she somehow knows better than someone who works at the fucking store. I guess she got in touch with someone in a Pennsylvania store and she proceeded to call the girl who was trying to help her an idiot and degraded her over the phone, but the girl got frustrated and hung up, so Lady Voldemort gave me her phone info and told me to call her during my next shift so she could come back into the store and give birth to another cow all over my life. Then it dawned on me that this dizzy bitch who was just rude to me gave me her phone number. I could prank call her. So I probably will. Because fuck being a mature adult.
Tyler: Do you like cheese?
Nas: I love cheese.
Tyler: Cheddar or Swiss?
Nas: Swiss. Cheddar for the most of my life. Today, it’s Swiss.
Tyler: Sick. That’s cool. I love fuckin’ cheddar. That’s my shit.
Nas: Why? Why did you ask?
Tyler: I don’t know. I just want to know. I don’t know. What do you do, like, in your spare time? Do you play Xbox or anything?
Nas: No, I’ve actually spent a lot of time being lonely as fuck, you know? It’s, like … you just do nothing.
i want to open a restaurant with the sole intent of doing this
I babysit these 4 brothers that live down the street from me, and I just got back from watching them while their parents went to the movies. When it was time for bed, the 5 year old started to cry because he wanted his mom and he’s afraid of the dark, so his 6 year old brother gathered all the night-lights he could find and plugged them into every open outlet in his room and then kissed him goodnight.
I remember this one time I was at the mall with my mom. I was eating a bag of M&M’s and she accidentally bumped into me, I dropped the bag and they all spilled and I cried a little. I was 14.
Woman walks up to my register, doesn’t say a word and is kind of flipping out:
Me: Oh my God, are you okay?!
Her: 
Me: What happened? Do you need me to call a manager for you?!
Her:
Me: Seriously, what’s wrong?
Her: Girl, do y’all sell sunglasses for women?!
Me: 
Well, it looks like I’m going to be single for a lot longer than I thought I’d be and I can’t even find the words to describe how okay I am with that.
I was at work today and one of my coworkers was telling me about how her daughter was in college and had this friend who had a boa constrictor as a pet on campus. Instead of getting it a cage, the daft bitch let the thing sleep in her bed. 
It slept next to her for a few weeks, and in this few weeks she noticed that it wouldn’t eat any of the food she bought for it. So she took it to the vet, and she explained that she slept with it every night and the vet informed her that it wasn’t eating because it was basically fasting to make room in its body to eventually squeeze the living fuck out of her and consume her while she slept.
If I still had a MySpace, I’d put “people who think it’s a good idea to sleep with killer snakes in their beds” in my “who I’d like to meet” section. Because I’d really like to meet that idiot and understand her thought process.
